The Wailing Lament Update - I

The Wailing Lament Update is simply a paragraph or two or ten about what's happening in my life right now.

*puts hands in pocket, sets cap on head and stares at a signpost pointing four ways*

I stand at the proverbial crossroad. I can either give a full complement of Science Subjects in full or I can change to Sociology and Psychology. A gap year does me no real harm, yet I want to get on with this. I'm sick and I'm tired of A Levels. It represents all that is wrong with my life. It was like this, when A Levels started, I used to think, dude you can do this, its only 3 subjects. Work at it, you can get thoes A's. After a couple of months, I was like alright, A's might be hard to get, but try for B's atleast. They're good enough to get you into AKU. Then the Mid-Terms came along, and I was like dude, just do enough to make the grade at AKU, thats it. You'll do something at the interview, just do enough to get there. Fast forward time another month or two, and I said to myself forget AKU, do enough to get into any Medical College. After the first year in A Levels, I kicked myself mentally in the butt, and I was like wtf were you thinking? You can't do medical. Just get decent grades. Gave bloody AS in November again, and finally I was like this can all bloody well go to hell. Just pass. Finally, now, today, I think to myself, you know what? A Levels can bite my ass. I just want this to finish. I want this to end so I can get out of here. Why did all this happen you ask?? That my friend, is a long story (and I mean LONG) and at this point in time, no answer is forthcoming. Some things happened that should'tn have and totally derailed me. Shit happens.

There is a little story about why I wanted to do Medical and why I wanted to go to AKU. Maybe I'll weave that tale for you at some point in the future.

So yeah, here I am now with my A Levels Registrations Forms. I'm going to give Sociology in May/June, provided I get off my ass and make my Identity Card, go to some bank, deposit an insane amount of money for one paper (with a second level penalty probably), go back with the receipt for insane amount of money deposited and give all those papers to some guy in the British Council. I can always give my two papers in November as well, in which case I can just sit back, relax for once, catch up on movies and songs. Give proper time to my writing and this blog. Blow some dust off my guitar and start practising again. That's cool too.

Me being me, I don't see the purpose behind this. I love to write, therefore I want to pursue a career in Journalism, however, there are a whole lot of people who think that is not practical because there is no money in it. Well I really don't care if there is no money in it. Doing what you like is freedom. Liking what you do is happiness. Maybe I'm just naive, but you know what? I like it that way. I'm happy being ignorant, so there. I'm going to BNU, I'm doing Journalism and that is that. I'd like to see anybody, barring my dad and their admissions officer, stop me.

On a more non-academic front, I've quit smoking and started praying again. 5 times a day in the mosque. I want to smoke right now but I'm not going to. I'm well happy with myself.

*whistles and walks away from signposts*

Emisarry - III

For Zahra, who awaited Retribution with bated breath.

3. Retribution

She flicked the light-switch up and down, not really knowing why because she knew it wouldn’t make a difference. Her blood turned cold as he started to speak. The voice was faintly familiar, as if she had heard it in a different lifetime, yet it was also smooth and radiated strength as he said, “You really did not think that I would leave it at rest did you?”. She was trembling now, because she had recognized exactly who was sitting across the room to her. He pointed to a chair on the other side of a desk and continued, while she sat down obediently, “Nothing you say now is going to make a difference to me, you took away a person I loved and you never stopped to think what it would do to me. Now you shall know how that feels”. Before she could stifle it, a moan escaped her lips and it quickly turned into a scream as she saw the room itself ripple and vibrate. The darkness seemed to twist and change into shapes. It was slowly giving birth to limbs and bodies. Within seconds it was complete, as about half a dozen creatures, shaped like humans, yet composed entirely of the darkness, stood deadly still in the room. All at once they started to move towards her. She pushed the chair back and ran screaming out of the office. She was running past the corridors again and the hospital seemed strangely empty and quiet. The shadows overtook her on all sides, and one passed right through her. She felt cold when that happened and stopped. Within a second, the screaming began. It seemed to emanate from the building and it violated every part of her. She shivered in terror and slowly made her way forward. There was only a little light filtering in through the windows and she realized it was nearly dawn. She could now discern where the screams where coming from and she tried to follow the source. It was the children’s ward she realized and after another dozen steps or so she was standing at its door. She opened it with great trepidation and her very first look made her sick. She fell to the floor and vomited, as one of the shadows transformed its hand into a scythe and ripped out a little child’s intestines with it. Something nudged her and she recoiled in horror and screamed as she saw it was the severed head of an 8-year old she had treated for pneumonia that very day. The screaming stopped and she knew it was because everybody else was dead. She got to her feet and ran towards the exit. She stumbled over the remains of a nurse and nearly fell but kept her balance somehow and managed to get to the entrance. She pushed against it with all her will but it wouldn’t budge. She screamed again, out of sheer frustration this time. She looked towards the security desk in vain, but the guard sitting at his desk could do nothing to help her, not with his throat slit wide open. She started running again, not knowing where and screaming for all it was worth. Finally she fell out of sheer exhaustion and just lay there.

“You surely did not think it would be this easy, did you?” he asked. She couldn’t bother to look up and in response, coiled up into a fetal position. “I told you I would take away somebody you loved. Not these people who have already died for your sins” he continued, but she could detect an edge of sorrow in his voice, as if he was not happy with what had happened. Then the true meaning of what he had said hit her. She raised her head and her worst fears were realized. Standing between the shadows behind him was her little daughter, not yet 6. “Leave her alone, for the love of God, she’s innocent” she pleaded. “I could have used the same argument years ago” he replied. He turned towards the shadows and pointed towards the girl. One of the shadows stepped forward and raised its hand as it slowly shaped itself into a blade. “She loves my daughter!!!” she screamed, just as the blade started to slice through the air. The next thing she knew was a flash and the report of his revolver as the shadow’s head exploded, sending a shower of blood and brains everywhere. His hand had moved far too fast for her eye to register the movement and the only thing that was silent testimony to the fact that he had even fired was the still smoking Rose in his hand. He put the weapon back into its holster and stood silent as if in thought. She slowly moved forward and beckoned her daughter to come to her. She hugged her to her chest and tried to soothe her as the child gently sobbed in her lap. Another one of the shadows stepped forward and started saying something in a language foreign to her ears. He slowly turned towards her. She could see him clearly now, as he started to unsheathe Rune. His face was no different than it was all those years ago and yet it was. There was deep etched sorrow there, but what really stood out were his eyes. The same shade of hazel she remembered from so long ago, but they were empty. That is the only way she could define them. Empty. He let the sword hang by his side for an instant and then turned in a wicked arc, slicing upwards through the shadow’s torso. He turned towards her again, letting the end of the sword touch the linoleum. Blood flowed along its length and started to collect in a puddle at his feet. Behind him, the shadow dropped to the ground, neatly, in two pieces. He turned to address the rest of the shadows. “Disobedience will not be tolerated. Now be gone, all of you” he commanded. There was power in his voice, and he himself commanded an overwhelming presence. It was supernatural and hypnotic she realized. The shadows backed into a wall and melted into nothingness. He looked at her for a while and then sighed. “I cannot say I am sorry for what has happened because I am no longer capable of such emotions. For what you did, I cannot and will not forgive you. All that has happened here today is akin to what you did all that time ago” he said. She was angry at the comparison, “The slaughter of innocent children is the same as me stopping my sister from loving you?” she replied. “Sadly yes, I do not speak for her, but you certainly killed the child in me that day. What I am now, I am because of what you did”. She gritted her teeth and replied, “What you were doing was wrong. It was wrong, all right, and nothing you say can make it right. What I did, I did for the best. For the both of you”. She knew that she had gone one step too far because his eyes were no longer empty, they looked ominous. His face showed no emotion, yet his eyes betrayed anger. Anger such as she had never experienced before. Rune rose to his side and slashed across her feet. For a moment she felt nothing, then a pain so intense it blotted out everything. He had decapitated her below the knee and whenever the bleeding stub would touch the floor, a white-hot pain would shoot through her whole body. She lay there screaming as her child hugged her. “You have forced my hand. Her very mention became your dues ex machina but you have forfeited that right because you underestimated our emotions then and you still do so now”. He raised the blade and it seared through her rib-cage, right below her breasts and she could feel the blade go between ribs, slide right through her heart and come out the other side. She gasped and every breath was harder to come by. She looked at her daughter, who had crawled to a corner and witnessed the execution. She looked at him, and saw the unmistakable shimmer of a teardrop on his cheek. He closed his eyes and went down on his knees. The barrels of Aces and Rose were the last thing she saw.

He was lying back again. He felt no different. Not bad, not good. He felt nothing except overwhelming loss. The same as it had been for years. He kept staring at the fan; nothing was justified still.

Draw A 'Cartoon' In Denmark And Watch People Die Down Here.

3 People killed; 45 injured in wide-spraed riots in Peshawar and Lahore over the cartoons drawn in Denmark of the Prophet Muhammad (P.B.U.H).

Strange how that one works is'nt it?? If I had any misplaced doubts about it before, they're certainly gone now: I live in a country/city populated almost entirely by morons. I'm pretty sure not that more than 10 people in a crowd of 500 could have claimed to pray 5 times a day and here they were, standing ready to defend their religion's name and honour. How? By tearing down the road-signs/traffic lights/telenor towers of course. *Throws rock at store-front window* Take that you damn dane *tears out the trees planted by the side of the road* Make a carricature of my Prophet will you?? *runs, creating a stampede, killing a 7 year old* That'll make you think twice you try anything that dastardly again. No, you dumb bastards, it does'nt work that way. Those newspaper editors don't care about how many protests you hold, how much damage you cause to public property and how many people die. Is it some some arcane, archaic desideraturm in Peshawar that compels you to turn violent when in a group?? Don't you see that it's you who will eventually have to put up those street signs/traffic lights up again?? Ever wonder where the money goes when you pay your taxes (if you pay your taxes)? Anyone?? Nobody?? I'll tell you: IT'S USED TO TO PUT UP STREET SIGNS/TRAFFIC LIGHTS YOU IGNORANT FOOLS. Well some of it anyways; the meagre amount left after the military and corrupt politicians take their share. Still, something is better than nothing.

Maybe it's just the way the people are nowadays, angry, frustraded and disheartened and they're just looking for an excuse to let loose. I mean who would'nt want to break stuff just for the heck of it?? It's human nature, but hey, don't take out that anger on your own people. That's like my father being angry at me for doing something wrong, and me going and beating the crap out of my brother. The rest of the world, whom we have to view as a disparate entity unaware of the respect and honour we have accorded to our Prophet (P.B.U.H), is going to see this as an Islamic outburst and just how many times have we stood proud and proclaimed Islam as a Religion of Peace? If I were one of them, I'd just be happy Islam does'nt preach expansionism.

Coming towards the editor's in question. They used freedom of speech/expression as their scapegoat. I was always under the illusion that there also existed a freedom of belief. Apparently I was wrong. Hypothetically speaking, I kill someone because I want to. That is freedom of action. They draw cartoons of a figure much revered by millions. That is freedom of expression. I did what I wanted to do, they drew what they wanted to. I transgressed on a peron's right to live, they transgressed on the rights to belief of hundreds of millions of people. I always thought you were free to do and say whatever you wanted to as long as you did'nt tread on somebody elses rights. If we were to go by their logic, the world would surely fall into anarchy *Judge: So you raped her because you wanted to?? Hmmm, under the Denmark 'Cartoon' Accords of 2006, the court of law finds you not guilty. Next*. I dont see flags of Iraq or Afghanistan with 'Support Rights to Freedom' on them. It's just a modern day story of Us and Them. The only real thing that surprised me about this whole fiasco was the fact that 'they' refused to apologise. Until recently, I had considered Europeans to be a very civilized people. Guess I was wrong there too.

You know there's something wrong when you see torched franchise stores on the main road and broken glass on the pavement everywhere. There's something wrong with the psyche nowadays; something in the air. Naaah, that's just the tear gas from the last salvo of shelling.

Emissary - II

For Momo, who always stands by me

2. Redemption

She stepped out of her car with the assurance of one who is secure of her life and of her future. Her first look told her it was darker than usual. Looking around she realized one of the streetlights had gone out. Underneath it, she could discern the shape of a man. He seemed to be a part of the darkness itself. Only the cigarette, glowing like a red-hot poker, marked his presence. She was chilled to the bone and couldn’t figure out why. To her it felt like she was standing in the eye of an electrical storm. Sweat burst through every pore in her body as her chest tightened and the hair on her arms and on the back of her neck stood on end. Wanting to turn away, she found that she could not move her gaze, let alone her feet. The cigarette dropped to his side, and then it went twirling through the air, blinking out, as it fell into an open drainpipe. The shadow seemed to move away. She could see a little clearer now as he neared the halo of light the adjacent streetlight was producing. Just as he was about to step into it however, the bulb spluttered and went out. He moved through the darkness and the spot where he was standing just a moment before was suddenly illuminated by the streetlight which had been out just a second ago. She turned and fled into the hospital where she worked.

She could not understand what had just happened and, like most people, what she did not understand scared her. She walked fast past the corridors into her office and locked the door behind her. She sat at her desk for a couple of minutes holding her head in her trembling hands. Her thoughts slowly untangled themselves as she sought some logical explanation for what she had just felt. I’m over-doing it she thought to herself; I need a break or a vacation or something. She opened her drawer and took out a small phial. Opening it into her palm, she threw a valium down her throat and replaced the phial. Something she only did in dire situations. The trembling stopped after a while and she felt strong enough to go out and check on her patients.

She started her round and was soon lost in concentration as she answered page after page drawing to her attention everything from gunshot wounds to a broken leg. The final straw came just as she was about to come off duty as half a dozen young men were brought in on stretchers. She heard ‘Gang Warfare’ from an orderly and groaned to herself. By the end of the night she had lost count of the number of wounds she had sutured shut, but it was finally over. She sighed with relief and started off towards her office. It happened then as she felt a draught of ice-cold wind pass her as all the over-head lights flickered out. She leaned against a wall as the life went out of her legs. She slid down and sat on the floor waiting for her eyes to adjust to the dark. She sat like this for a couple of minutes but she could discern nothing at all in the opaque darkness. She got up and started to make her way forward and before she had taken two steps, the lights came back to life.

‘Just an electricity shortage’, she said to herself and started moving towards her office again. She turned the corner and came to a stand still. The lights in her office were still out and she always left them on. She could not control herself as she started walking towards the door. She reached for the knob and turned it violently and entered. She could sense the presence even before she saw him.

Emissary - I

For Celine, the less said the better.

1. Reason

The brown eyes were so intense they seemed to vibrate in their sockets. His long dark hair lay matted to his forehead with sweat. He kept staring at the fan; his mind was a maelstrom of emotions. Nothing was justified. He couldn’t blame her no more than he could blame the sky for being blue or the grass for being green. In an instant his mind focused, like a pinpoint of light, on a face and on a name. Her sister. In a defining second everything fell into place. He got off the bed and took of his boxers. They were black. Like his room; like everything he owned. Like his mind, like his life. He stepped through a door and into his bathroom. The gleaming black shower taps turned under his gaze and cold water sprayed forth. He stepped under the ice-cold jets of water and stood still for fifteen minutes. Finally, he stepped back. The splashing water going down the drain reminded him of his life. He glanced at the taps and they turned violently, cutting off the supply to the showerhead above.

He opened his closet, trying hard not to look in the bottom. Failing. Again. The cards, the presents, the wrapping paper still there. He forced himself to look up. A fortune in clothes greeted him. All black. He took out a shirt, pants, a tie and a suit.

He opened another closet and took out the scabbard. It held Rune: his katana. He slid the blade out and ran a finger along the edge. Satisfied that is was as sharp as it always had been, he put it down. It was black steel and chrome with Emissary forged into the blade front. He took out his gun-belts next. These held the Implements of War: his two Revolvers. Rose and Aces. They were identical but for the designs on one side of their butts. Rose had a rose inlaid into the chrome while Aces had four cards. Four aces. He broke the chamber and spun it. The dull rattle soothed his mind as it always did. The Implements of War also had Emissary stamped on their barrels.

He started to dress. Slowly and methodically, he put on his shirt, buttoning it with one hand. With the same steady actions he pulled on his pants, knotted his tie and slid into his coat. He didn’t need a mirror. The knot of the tie was immaculate, the coat fit perfect and there were no creases in his shirt and pants other than the ones he had ordained. The Scabbard he hung around his waist, and the gun-belts he tied around his hips with the holsters coming to rest on his thighs. They completed him, on anybody else they would stand out. He stepped out into the night pulling the hood of his coat over his head.

Confessions of a Broken Heart - II

The grass is dead, the sky is dark
The flowers gnarled, the pastures stark
I die before the day is through
My life goes by all I see is you
My cigarette burns, burns my pain
My mirror reflects, reflects my shame
I’m told to quit and I don’t see why
I’m too far gone and I won’t try
In the light a razor gleams
Through skin and flesh it leaves a stream
The stream turns to a river raging
I know I’m losing this war I’m waging
This should hurt, this should scare
I’m used to this and I don’t care
It’s my sanity I cannot find
My eyes close, she’s on my mind
I died before the day was through
I died again, wouldn’t have you?

Confessions of a Broken Heart - I

Confessions of a Broken Heart

Walking along in a fog so dense,
where all my thoughts they make no sense,
my stars, once so bright they shone,
they shine no more, I'm all alone
my body is battered, my soul is sore
its never felt this way before
my senses are numb, my heart is stone
this path I tread, I'm all alone
a light I seek, a way to shore
through storms to calm, a life in store
See, try as I might, I cannot find
a peace they say, that is mine
try as I may, I cannot see
a life they say, belongs to me
You’re tone so hard, your gaze so shy
I lost all that when you said goodbye

My Orkut Profile - The Part That Was'nt About Me -

The youth and mentality of today is depressed beyond reprieve. That's why we come up with all sorts of meaningless ways to make ourselves happy like celebrating New Year when we all know that this year is going to be as crap (possibly crappier - pretty hard in my case, but I live in hope for other people) as the last one. Wake up and smell the coffee people. We're in a massive nose-dive and we're not going to bounce back. Is'nt life beautiful?

I don't know if it's just me but sometimes it seems that, with a few exceptions, everybody I know, including me, is sooooo going to hell. I don't know whats wrong, it's like nothing has meaning or substance, and there's certainly nothing to look forward to. The most I can do is philosophize about it. Helplessness is such a crap feeling, especially when everything around you is spiralling out of control and all you can about it is twiddle your thumbs. We were fine outstanding young men once upon a time and 18 is NOT an age to feel like your life is over because our lives haven't even begun yet. The only question I want answered from a certain person is: WHY?

A german shepherd by the name of Janie who Mike (My Pet German Shepherd) got, errrrm, intimate with, has given birth to puppies. I now have two more dogs: Ralph and Lauren.